This section of my website will include personal journals taken from each rehearsal, performance, and pivotal moment in my journey to creating, specifying, and performing Juror #7.
7/13 – Calm before the storm…
As I sit down to start memorizing, I’ve made a scary yet interesting discovery. This is the first script that I have ever had to memorize that isn’t separated into distinct scenes. There are three acts in this play performed in one long act. That being said, playing a character who speaks sporadically is something I am very familiar with, such as my roles in Men on Boats or Twelfth Night, but in those scripts, I could separate the large load of memorization into smaller chunks based on the events of each unique scene. I’m going to have to explore new tactics for memorizing my text while consistently understanding the other character’s roles in the play when mine is not the one speaking. Anyway, I cannot wait to get started!
8/11 – Rehearsal 2
Today, we read through the scripts in roles that were not our own! I was slightly apprehensive to do this exercise at first since I’ve been anxiously awaiting the time to dive into my character’s shoes. However, this rehearsal tactic proved to be far more illuminating than I had expected. Hearing other actors utter my words made me realize things about my character that I had previously let soar right over my head–like how funny she is when she’s not being totally awful to people. In general, I’m starting to find things about Juror #7 character that are more relatable. In the (recent) past, I’ve been having doubts about my character’s relatability since she is a bit of a b-word throughout the whole trial and jury deliberation experience. But, alas, she is not hopeless. I think that every day I am going to strive to find things about her that are redeeming and relatable, so I don’t feel so disconnected from her altogether.
8/19 – Dialect meeting
Today, I had one-on-one dialect coaching with our director, Marc, to discuss my progress on creating Juror #7’s New York Accent. I was very nervous since I couldn’t exactly tell if my REAL accent was showing through and tainting the kind of accent Marc had envisioned for the show/character. After reading through some text, we concluded that I was making good progress and that I had to be more confident! We discussed posture and its importance in creating my body’s home base for the accent; specifically the placement of my lips and tongue. I have to move the root of my tongue forward and keep constant “aggressive” contact between my tongue and top teeth, especially during ‘t,’ ‘d,’ and ‘th’ sounds. Marc told me that the secret to correct posture is to sense and feel it, and not so much to worry about if the individual sounds I’m making sound right. The New York Accent, while familiar to me, will prove a challenging process. I’m working on inviting my lips to the accent party and imploring myself to tune things upward before backing down out of fear of shame. At the end of the day, I have to say to myself, “What if this was easy?” (thank you Marc for that piece of self-teaching advice!) and just dive in head first. I have been given additional charts and resources to practice the different sounds, and am working to alter my natural dictations of words like glory, Florida, and orange, for a better flow. But, luckily for me, being from Long Island has its perks! I’m learning how to use the accent that I am used to trying to hide as a tool for making Juror #7’s accent more natural and real like me!
8/19 – Rehearsal 3
Rehearsal tonight was a blast! It feels so good to finally be sitting in a room with the cast and creative team. After a lengthy vocal and physical warm-up, we explored “omnish language” which I had never heard of before. Marc defined this as “the very serious study of making very silly sounds,” and that is exactly what we did. By the end of the exercise, we were able to communicate basic concepts to each other without a single real word! The point of the exercise was to discover what we could teach each other and how we could react to our peers without the use of specific language–only specific intentions. I’m looking forward to the possibility of returning to this in the future. We also discussed our measures for success, and I was able to jot down a few personal goals for my future self: to be open-minded in the presence of a show I am unfamiliar with and a cast I don’t know very well, to find the balance between blending into the ensemble and standing out as a distinct personality, support myself and others at all times, make SO MANY MISTAKES! I have been learning recently that the best way to make a groundbreaking discovery, is to break the ground by falling on my face. (did that make sense?) What I mean is, I need to be brave enough to set aside the things I know or feel like “work” for me as an actor, and learn from every new impulse! Not every feeling will lead me to a successful outcome, but from bouncing off the walls, I will begin to move in a brand new direction that I may have never imagined.
8/20 – Rehearsal 4
In tonight’s rehearsal, we spent a large amount of time with our characters and the text. In a circle, we all sat in number order to read and discuss Act 1, prioritizing why we were saying what we said, and how we wanted others to receive our actions. It was helpful to watch others make personal decisions, as it prompted me to consider how I was receiving their words from the perspective of someone not in the center of that particular conversation. I’m starting to find some relationships forming! One of our measures of success from the other night was the presence of bonding and bridging within our cast in real life and our characters, and today, I found myself starting to form opinions on the characters I met after interacting with them. I’m finding myself asking the question; how much do I want to make connections with the other jurors? Is it in my best interest to create allies or do I not care about the outcome of the trial so long as I get to go home? How does that affect the way I speak to others? Also, tonight, I was able to incorporate more of my accent work–which I have found to be quite the challenge when I’m scattered between thinking about my mouth shapes, the words I am speaking, and to whom; but I know I will improve. In future rehearsals, I’m going to do my best to find a second to warm up the posture of my vocal tract, and prepare my muscles to use the New York accent as I learn to use it more fluently.
8/24 – Rehearsal 5
Today, we started blocking Act 1! Hooray! It feels so wonderful to be back in the rehearsal room after being in illness isolation for a few days and to be up on my feet making choices and bringing Juror 7 to life. We had the chance to play with some silent storytelling, and I was able to throw myself into the deep end with character interactions. We talked a lot about spotlighting and the many ways we can direct the audience’s attention toward a certain moment or character. Like a lot of the games we played in Acting 2 last semester, we explored tempo, size/levels, and timing small story moments one after the other. I’m continuing to involve my accent, and tonight felt like a good step forward. I remembered to make that oh-so-crucial contact between my tongue and the back of my top teeth, but next time, I want to invite my lips to the party even more; and focus on the sounds I have a more difficult time constructing. Today was also overwhelming in certain ways; I had an extraordinary amount of things to think about all at once. Suddenly, I was introduced to how my body would react to the sensations my character is feeling (eg. hot/sweating), and how that would affect the way she walks, talks, and feels her clothes on her skin. I was also met with a few debacles: Juror #7 didn’t doubt in her mind that this deliberation would take long, so maybe she wouldn’t be so quick to take off all of her layers, thinking she would go home rather quickly. Alternatively, she is the most adamant of the jurors concerning the heat and her discomfort, so wouldn’t she rush to expel any unnecessary layers if she were able? These and more questions of the sort are the things I will explore through the employment of my Rosenfield acting workbook, which I intend to start using regularly as soon as I’ve finished erasing my previous work left inside! Also, I’m going to start bringing my rehearsal items such as heels, a purse, gloves, a hat, and a jacket to get more comfortable in Juror 7’s skin.
8/25 – Rehearsal 6
We continued blocking Act 1 today, and I had so much to play with today. I continued my explorations on the sensations surrounding the hot room, and how that would affect the way I treat my jacket, hat, and gloves. Every time I “take my gloves off” I imagine my sweat has made them hot and uncomfortable, and I almost have to peel them from my skin. Repeating this action over and over again is helping me convince myself that the room is as hot and insufferable as I need to believe! Also today, I had some concerns about my accent. While I know it is our director’s job to tell us when things are too much or too exaggerated, I felt like today I was over-using my accent and I just couldn’t take myself seriously. It was impairing my acting by invading my in-the-moment thought process, so I toned it down a little. I want to discuss the possibility of another 1-on-1 accent meeting with Marc next week just to check in on my progress. Today’s questions that I want to consider further are; how much was I listening during the case? And where do I fall on the spectrum between wanting adequate justice or just wanting this deliberation to be over? How does that affect the way I speak to others, the targets I identify throughout the play, and the actions I employ to hit those targets?
8/27 – Rehearsal 7
At tonight’s rehearsal, we finished our first blocking of Act 1 and were able to run the whole thing with minimal stops. We also began to incorporate rehearsal props like cigarettes, purses with fun things to occupy our time, handkerchiefs, and table dressings. While scanning through the text of Act 1 over and over again, I spent a lot of time considering WHY the things I say are a part of the play, and what makes them important at all. I was able to identify places where I had fallen into a rhythm with my tone of speaking and was able to start shaking myself out of any preconceived line readings. However, I do think that my accent suffered today, it just didn’t feel right (even though I’m still learning what IS right). I suspect that my heightened focus on the text caused me to lose some progress on my vocal posture and the things I have been slowly practicing–but now that I’ve recognized it, I think I can work harder tomorrow to continue working on my accent and improving it with every rehearsal. Looking around the room full of fellow actors, I’m starting to feel self-critical. I see so much talent around me and it’s causing me to feel self-conscious about the way I act–which in turn is taking me out of the moment and making me sloppy. I hate this feeling, like I’m missing some crucial piece of this process but have no idea what it is. I feel like I’ve been waiting four years to suddenly wake up a good actor, but I know that isn’t how it works. So, what can I do to continue making progress without criticizing myself for learning at my own pace? My first attempt at remedying this feeling is going to be to work twice as hard outside of rehearsal. It’s time to pick up a new acting book, or even an old one, and do some more in-depth outside preparation. I have no trouble staying up late or waking up early to balance my acting prep with other coursework! I know deep in my soul that I can be better than I am today, I just have to work harder for it.
8/29 – Rehearsal 8
Tonight, my time for rehearsal was cut short by musical callbacks, so I was only present for the final hour. However, I took this as a challenge to be hyper-aware of my fellow actors choices and blocking, and put myself directly in Juror 7’s shoes, reacting in the moment to those stimuli as she/I really would! In the end, I found it very easy to acclimate to the work my peers had begun, and I had a great time finding ways to blend myself back into the scene. I continued working with my cigarette prop tonight, and I already feel much more comfortable with it in my hand. The more I use it, the more fluid my movements feel, and the less I have to think about it–distracting myself from any of the scene’s actions. I’ve decided to begin a separate research log on how to smoke properly, and all of the details that come with that, for further reference.
8/30 – Rehearsal 9
In today’s rehearsal warm-up, we spent a lot of time tuning into the qualities of our voice and speaking range, by humming on different consonants to feel the resonance on our hard palate. Klein is a MUCH bigger space than our rehearsal room, and right now, we’re all guilty of playing our actions to the tight space of our table. The reality is, we have to play the actions to the entire theater. The most important aspect of that is being sure that we tone our voices appropriately; which I later learned is through vibrations and not volume. From then on, I focused on not simply raising my voice to express emotion or reach the back of the room but to FEEL the need to earn my right to speak. And this worked! The more intention I could find for each action, the more fluidly I found myself REacting to the stimuli around me. Not indicating is particularly hard in this play, because especially for Act 2, I am seated (nearly) the entire time. I have to be careful about the ways and times I choose to partake in small activities from my purse or with the jurors around me.
8/31 – Rehearsal 10
Today, we finished blocking Act 2, read through Act 3, and began to block it. I had a lot of interesting impulses today! The end of Act 2, and ESPECIALLY Act 3 are when I (Juror 7) start to slowly change my perception of the crime, and my feelings get very complicated. I want the other Jurors to see that we shouldn’t keep doing this back-and-forth nonsense, but I can’t deny that everyone has been pulling from facts lately, but eventually, I must to terms with the fact that I can’t get them to see that we’re perfectly divided–a hung jury–and that we should just wrap up and go home. Another huge aspect of acts 2 & 3, and the whole play, is how much time we have. Marc reintroduced the idea of limited time to us today and the fact that we are each fighting to speak our piece to get out of this deliberation the fastest! That stuck with me hard, since my character OFTEN has lines in the script akin to “let’s get this over with so we can all go home,” “I’m sick of all this,” and the like. I’m starting to understand my intentions better as they ebb and flow, and staying in the moment while the other jurors argue has become much easier than I had anticipated. In a very early journal, I wrote about how I was going to have to make an effort not to let my mind drift away from the plot when I had multiple pages of nothing to say to keep me directly engaged in the conversation, but what I am learning is that listening to the conversation is sometimes even more fun than being a part of it. Marc often asks us to have a point of view on different lines of text, and that is my FAVORITE thing to do. It’s like eavesdropping with permission, so I can nod my head, scoff, and laugh, whenever the moment feels right or the impulse emerges, without having to feel like I’m interrupting someone else’s conversation. It has been especially enlightening to come up with POVs every time a juror changes their vote–since, depending on which act of the play it is, could be the worst or the very best thing for my character!
9/1 – Rehearsal 11
Today, we finished blocking Act 3. Huzzah! This act is pivotal in my character’s journey from deciding the boy is guilty to accepting there is a reasonable doubt and voting not guilty. I have been rereading different bits and pieces of Uta Hagen’s work which I became familiar with in Acting 2 last year, specifically, her writings on physical destinations. Hagen recommends reevaluating my need for action, sharpening up the actions I select, and shaving down all the things I don’t need to fulfill my objective. If I don’t buy it, neither will my scene partners, and neither will the audience. This has been especially helpful in designating between lines that can be said standing, seated, or en route to an activity. Today, Marc and I discussed a small section of text where I had a verbal altercation with a character on the other side of the stage. From the strength of my emotions and my words, I had the impulse to stand, but when Marc asked me why the lines couldn’t be said from my seat, I realized that I was feeling the impulse to indicate. I wanted to stand because I believed my character wouldn’t let the others get away with what they said and would want to be on the same eye level as her to argue better. But that isn’t a sharp or justifiable action. The reality of the situation, however, was that I didn’t need to stand because I wasn’t going to go anywhere! I wasn’t going to cross the room and hit her, and I wasn’t going to walk a lap around the table and rally other jurors to fight her with me. Reading the Uta Hagen material shortly after that in-rehearsal discovery has inspired me to continue asking myself deeper questions about my physical destinations throughout the play. Is this a real, justifiable action to play while saying this line? Where am I going? Why am I going there?
9/3 – Rehearsal 12
Tonight was so full of exploration! We dove into the Laban Movement Efforts, of which I am very familiar, and played with the different values of light/heavy, sustained/sudden, and direct/indirect movement that our body can achieve. Then, once we were familiar with each effort (there are 8 of them) we were tasked with exploring the movements in tandem with some of our character’s mannerisms, activities, and destinations throughout the play. I was able to test out how my body could play along with my attempts to fan off from the heat, sit and stand up in my chair, fall to the floor and get up again, and check my makeup in a more specific and artistically freeing way. I expressed to Marc that I was surprised by which movement efforts felt the most akin to my character, and how I had expected other ones to feel more like “home base.” Then, he demonstrated to me how I could even incorporate my voice into the movement effort and achieve such a unique sound and feeling I had never considered. (AKA, you don’t have to raise your voice at someone to chastise them effectively) I am very much looking forward to continuing my explorations on these movement efforts in future work-throughs and run-throughs of the play. Totally off topic–but I also had a fitting today, where I got to try on my blouse, skirt, and shoes together, as well as a few other accessories. I learned that it is especially important to pay attention to the pleats my skirt will make when I sit for a long time; and that I will have to brush my hands down the front of my thighs to smooth them out when I stand up. I also learned just how hard it will be to fall to my knees and side in a pencil skirt! Overall, I feel like I have much more work to do, but Juror 7 is starting to become a more solid figure in my mind and body.
9/5 – Rehearsal 13
We ran through Act 2 tonight with no stops! I felt VERY inspired by the Laban movement’s efforts flick and punch when saying many of my lines today. I want to explore the cycle of float to flick to punch then back to float tonight during our designer run; as it will be my first time taking Juror 7 for a trip through all three acts of the play consecutively. Memorization has been going very well–and as I mentioned in a very early (maybe even my first) journal, I have been trying new techniques to help me recognize my cue lines faster. So far, the best resource has been Quizlet flashcards. I insert my cue line for the ‘term’ and then my line for the ‘definition,’ and flip through the act that way! Last night, I received no line notes; I was word-perfect and did not miss a line in all of Act 2. While I am sure this will change, I’m very proud of this accomplishment, and Marc and I agreed that I am making extreme progress in avoiding line readings [an old habit of mine]. However, I know there is MUCH more work to do, and I am sure I will have plenty of line notes headed my way in the coming weeks. We are just under two weeks from opening this show, and I am starting to focus on the nitty-gritty details of my character and her presence in the deliberation room.
9/6 – Rehearsal 14
TODAY WAS SO GOOD! Get ready for this journal, because I’m going to need to format it funnily to get all of my thoughts onto the page!
Eye contact:
- Being in the moment from the top of the show to the end has been such a shift in this journey for me. Finally being able to absorb information in REAL time and react to everyone accordingly, has given me so many more opportunities to connect with the people around me at any given moment. Without a book to look down at, I am fully realizing for the first time that there are twelve of us in the room! And everyone has a POV to share with you through the silence, through eye contact, or small interactions throughout the entire play! WHAT FUN THAT WAS TO DISCOVER!
Labon exercises and line readings:
- I was inspired today to test my luck with float and flick to see how the two could intersect. Additionally, in my endeavors to escape patterned line readings, the Laban movement efforts have given me the chance to suspend my focus from the text and more on where I’m going, how I’m getting there, and in what way my words are escaping my lips. I spoke lines today that I have been memorizing for months–in tones and manners, I never could have predicted or imagined. It was so much fun. Diving head first into the efforts of body movement and how they affected my speech led to so much discovery about the silliness of my character! Juror #7 has so much more spark and spunk to her than I thought–and she is almost humorous to me. I am very much looking forward to f*cking-up-running, some more at future rehearsals, at the benefit of discovering the strengths and secret quirks my character has in store.
Lines:
- Memorizing is going very well! I got a few line notes today, but I feel good about my dedication to the quizlet/flash card method. It feels very fresh and new to my brain–which is helping for some arbitrary reason that I can’t put into words at the moment. I’m going to go back into Act 1 and put a set of cards together, that way I can go through all three acts in flash card mode for an in-depth or quick review!
Overall, tomorrow is going to be good. And the day after that will be better, so long as I keep learning super amazing things from the fallout of my explosive mistakes!
9/7 – Rehearsal 15
Today we went step by step through Act 3, perfecting “poster” moments, lines with added movement, and other trouble spots along the way. We have also started implementing the “real fake knives” into our rehearsals. This required a very serious conversation with the cast and crew, as well as training on how to operate the switch knife; just in case someone who doesn’t normally handle it had to close it, move it, or turn the safety on. For me, this is especially important since, with the blade closed, the knife comes down on me to recreate the murder, and I carry it to the floor with me as I imitate the father’s body falling. Yesterday, when my eyes caught sight of the knife coming down, I realized the safety wasn’t turned on, and I was holding the knife blade-side towards my chest. As soon as I reached the floor and was still, I quickly switched the safety on (after a brief moment of panic and relief). My scene partner and I, the one who “stabs” me, had a conversation afterward to be sure she would check and see that the safety was on before pointing the knife at me. Also, today I asked about a million questions. Marc was super receptive to all of my comments and concerns, and implored me to have conviction when I ask about a moment in the play or when trying something new! From then on out, I have been running face first into the sun (making mistakes boldly), and making discoveries promptly after every one. We had a brilliant moment today where we spent about ten or fifteen minutes cultivating one very small moment, where Juror 8 singled out Juror 12 then me. We started by having no idea why she did this, or how we could make her notice us in the fray of the scene. I spoke up, and mentioned to the room how a previous conversation mixed with my very next line might impact how this moment was played–and I was on the right track! From there, we were able to investigate the text of 12 and I’s answers to 8, and confidently decide on why we were the ones singled out, and how our answers propelled the plot even further.
9/8 – Rehearsal 16
Today, we took on a few trouble spots in Acts 2 and 3, clearing up our intentions and points of view as we went along. It was yet another example of how crucial it is to have solid perspectives on every word that someone else says or every action your character might be concerned with. Also, we explored a speed through of Act 1! It was absolutely chaotic and utterly illuminating. I learned that the plot points of the crime/court case are much EASIER to follow when we are working at a quicker pace. The dots become closer together and easier to connect. Additionally, the heightened speed taught us about the balance between keeping up the pace of our show and being sure to take our time getting our intentions across to others on the stage. Our next rehearsal will be ON THE SET in KLEIN THEATRE!! This is so very exciting–and I am ready to challenge my ability to include row P of the theatre in our conversation on the stage.
9/10 – Rehearsal 17
Tonight, we moved into Klein! HOORAY! What an exciting experience it was to walk through that space for the first time, and prepare ourselves to take our story to the next level. I found my blocking extremely simple to slip into in the new space, however, the new cigarette devices are a whole different battle. These new actor-cigarettes are much higher tech and require far more skill and practice to pull off. It took me a few minutes to gain the courage to put one in my mouth and inhale, and many more attempts to learn how to produce the “smoke” (vapor). Still, I know that tech rehearsals will be an essential place for me to practice using the new cigarettes, and to tackle some new goals:
- Continue strengthening old relationships and building new ones with the characters around me
- Enhance my diction so that the last row can fully understand my words when speaking in dialect
- Decreasing the air in scenes by picking up cues faster and with purpose
9/13 – Tech night 1 (rehearsal 18)
Tonight was night 1 of tech, and we spent our time exploring the space in newfound lighting with sound and other elements beginning to fade in. Tomorrow, we will add costumes and makeup! I am still learning how to use the new cigarettes. I’m not great at it yet, but luckily I have time. In Voice and Body class, we are working on using vibrations in our oral cavity to produce a better, louder, healthier sound; so I have begun to implement what I am learning over there into what I can do on the stage over here!
9/14 – Tech night 2 (rehearsal 19)
Tonight was hard. We added costumes, makeup, and wigs for the first time…and a lot of feelings emerged. I love my costume, and I think it compliments my kooky character extremely well. The wig tonight, however, led to 30 minutes of crying. I’m having a very hard time separating my feelings from my responsibility as an actor; all I can focus on every time I see a mirror or my bangs poke me in the eyes is how I have never felt uglier. I want to do my duty as an actor and let this separate me from my character, but after running Act 1–I realized that I was never fully present or in the moment. At all. I am better than this, and I know that I am not what my feelings do to me. It’s time to pick up the big girl panties and be an actor, not an emotional wreck. I’m writing this on a break, to be the most accurate, and as a result, I have an update. Things got worse. A combination of thirst and heat struck me on stage, combatting my tight and heavy wig, and unforgiving fabric. I was compelled to call a hold in the middle of one of my lines and take a break because I felt as though I was going to faint. For context, my mother and I both have tendencies to have episodes of Vasovagal Syncope. It has been about a year since my last episode—but instead of feeling embarrassed, I’m trying to be proud of myself for advocating for my health and avoiding further catastrophe. After an ice pack, a small snack, and a long drink of water, I finished rehearsal feeling completely fine and comfortable. It’s been a long night, but I learned the importance of checking on my body’s stats before stepping into my costume and onto the hot stage. To stay extra hydrated and comfortably full, and to communicate with the run crew for the best outcome for all. Tomorrow will be better. I will be better!
9/14 – Tech night 3 (rehearsal 20)
Tech day 3. It was a very long and productive day. We ran through the show from top to bottom with all the tech elements, costumes, wigs, and the whole shebang. And for closure on last night’s wig-drama, there was a new wig made for me after the designers decided that the color was far too dark for me–and the new wig is a much better fit for the aesthetic of the show. Today was just plain fun. My friends in the cast and I came up with character playlists for our Jurors and jokes about their extensive lore. Naturally, I will be sticking only to the text-supported elements for the show; but for our amusement, Genevieve Prescott (Juror 7) is quite a wild lady. I am looking forward to fulfilling my character analysis as tech comes to a close, and I squeeze every ounce of the story out of my character and the play itself. A few nights ago, I wrote down some goals. One of which was to ‘continue strengthening old relationships and building new ones with the characters around me,’ and I am stoked to say that this has come true! Juror 9 and I (Henry, who sits across from me), have found several moments in the play where we can share meaningful looks at each other, short ad-libbed-whisper conversations, and other reactions that feel so true to our characters and the whole group’s dynamic. We were testing a new exit sequence with Marc last night, and as we were exiting, Henry and I shared such an amazing split-second moment. It is important to note that NOBODY would notice this moment but us. However, we are often reminded that the work we do behind the scenes and for our character’s development is for the US and not for the audience. No one sees your written homework when you’re an actor, and that’s just fine. Either way, I know Juror 7 has come a long way and has a long way to go.
9/15 – Tech night 4 (rehearsal 21)
Wow, we have been busy! We started today with a speed-through of the whole play, where we learned a LOT of important details. There is a whole lot of air in our play! Picking up cues is getting more and more important, and it’s time to “let go” of some of our favorite acting moments for the benefit of clarity and speed. Also, I suck at using these fake cigarettes…but I am going to work so hard today and tomorrow to become the most natural-looking fake smoker ever. One other thing is discovering the impulse to speak and acting on it swiftly and with purpose; allowing another character’s words or actions to spur me into a response! After the speed-through, we had an hour to get into hair/makeup/costumes and began our full run-through. So far, I feel this was the best I have done! I felt very in the moment, I was emotionally invested in the stimuli around me, and best of all, I began to feel a NATURAL shift in my change-of-vote. It has been difficult to pinpoint the exact moment where I feel moved enough to change my otherwise rock-solid opinion and I have been struggling with the quick turnaround between voting guilty and not guilty. I think that although it is last minute, I want to consider exploring my “change-of-decision-arc” sooner in Act 3 than later, as I think that will help me justify my final line: “I’m sold on reasonable doubt.”
9/16 – Tech night 15 (rehearsal 22)
Tech day 5, the Monday before opening! Ahhh! I’m going to try something different today; I’m going to write the first half of this journal before tech and the second half after tech, to see how I can meet my own goals! So, today I want to focus on…
- Making sure to tilt my mirror downwards so it doesn’t catch the light
- Getting better at the first cigarette drawl/covering the lighter at the end of act 1
- Not to call a line, and to ideally have less than 3 line notes! Since I’ve been working on really cracking down on my paraphrasing habit (it’s the same 2 lines, really)
- AND MOST IMPORTANTLY! To avoid any line readings ever!
I just got out of tech, huzzah! Let’s check in on those goals…
- I remembered to tilt my mirror with ease!
- THE FIRST CIGARETTE DRAWL WAS GREAT! And then the rest of my smoking was off…I kept inhaling the vapor which destroys the smoke before I even open my mouth. I can fix it though, I have one more day to fix it!
- I did not call the line! I had 2 line notes tonight, in places where it was a 1 word mistake, and I feel very proud of that growth from last night. I will look over my script tonight and tomorrow, to finish perfecting my word-perfect goal (and my responsibility)!
- I played tonight! I tried to get back to the root of each phrase and emphasize the operative words while playing with tempo, pitch, and inflection. Discoveries were made.
All in all, I think there is something to be said about the progress I am making, and I truly believe a lot of it has to do with this reflective journaling process. It has been helping me extend my notes from rehearsal and keep the things I’ve just learned fresh in my head so I can use them again next time. My final note is, tonight I cried in the final scene and that was kind of unexpected and crazy; but also cool.
9/17 – Tech night 6 (rehearsal 23)
LAST DAY OF TECH (technically)! WOWIE! Tonight was super fun, and full of last-minute discoveries! I am a firm believer that every moment, mistake, slightly new choice, or mishap is a part of making revolutionary discoveries that you would never have made unless you were acting full out! I began my journey to this conclusion during my last show, Twelfth Night. I was so extremely nervous to make mistakes or to appear stupid on stage; that I got caught in many line readings, habits, and an unwillingness to let the events of the scene flow through my body naturally. So, when I was cast in Twelve Angry Jurors, it became my mission to take every chance I could to find some hidden part of the story in my typical line readings and blocking. Tonight, I let my preparation take over, and I could feel myself shifting in the right direction. I am by no means perfect or 100% ready, but Marc always says that one key to acting is throwing yourself in the ring before you’re ready! And that is what I intend to do. I’m going to keep preparing on the side, before shows, and when the lights come up on that deliberation room, I’m going to have to trust that my preparation will be there to aid me in my pursuits.
9/18 – Tech night 7, Pay What You Can Preview
Happy Pay What You Can Preview! Tonight was our first time in front of an audience. Let me say that again: TONIGHT WE HAD AN AUDIENCE! A BIG ONE TOO! As the time came to step on stage, I was surprisingly calm. Perhaps it was the notion that the audience was not going to be very large…that was incorrect. I think I’m just scarred from the Men on Boats PWYC, which filled only around 3 rows total. Don’t worry though, I know I cannot control the size of the audience and that their attendance is not a reflection of my hard work! In one word, last night was electric. I had such a blast exploring my newfound energy and found myself paying extremely close attention to the stimuli around me. By that I mean the things people were saying under their breath, the ways I could share a look of opinion with someone new now and then, and how when I was in character I could fix a pin in my wig–and make it justifiable a choice! I am extremely proud of how my work has led to this moment, and I know that the choices I made and techniques I explored in the rehearsal room will stick tightly to me throughout the length of our run. I prepared like mad, and now it’s time to go with the flow! One thing to note, was that we located another line reading today (bummer) and so my next step with that will be to look at the moment within the text and ask myself; what change am I trying to make here? What do I want my scene partner to feel when I say this? Tomorrow we open, and I couldn’t be happier with the work we’ve done, or more excited for the work to come!
9/19 – Opening Night
Opening night. Wow. I have a lot of feelings (as always). I was off to a rough start, my gloves caught on my bracelet as soon as I walked through the door, and I had a strange moment with my lines in the very beginning. The universe was trying to put me in a funk but I wasn’t having it! This audience was far more reactive than PWYC. They had a lot of laughter to share, along with some cheering and other vocal reactions. Surprisingly, I had a hard time erasing their presence from my mind and I think it had an impact on some of my line readings. I am always hopeful that new impulses will help me to escape predetermined line readings, but the energy on stage was new and unfamiliar and led to some choices that I have never made. And some choices that I quickly regretted. After the show, friends and family alike congratulated me on an extraordinary performance. People thought I was so funny, and my accent was spot-on. But I didn’t believe anyone. I think I still don’t. I need to regain my focus. Tonight, I’m going to make a plan to alter my getting-ready process slightly to produce a calm energy, where I can use my script to re-familiarize myself with everything I had discovered in rehearsals. Hopefully, I will be proud of myself after our next performance.
9/20 – Friday night, performance 2
Friday night performance. I wish I had better things to say. I was paranoid and had zero trust in myself the whole time, and I felt like I was not achieving any of my goals. AKA, I felt as though my actions had no target. The words I said seemed to escape me and moments after speaking them, I wish I’d had said them differently. I don’t want to be dramatic but is this what it feels like to make an abundance of progress and then suddenly fall down a flight of stairs and end up back at square 1? I feel as though it is. Whether it matters or not, the folks I saw after the show said it was a great performance, and that they loved and believed every moment. Maybe this is the lesson I have to learn. There is no way for ME to measure what the audience will think is engaging or memorable in the moment, but by ignoring the factor of the audience altogether, I will be more present in the scene and have more focus to shed on my actions. My energy yesterday was low, and I could feel it spreading off of me like a pitiful aura. I can’t let this happen! I have grown so much in the past year of working in this department, and I don’t know how to stop myself from regressing. I want to leave the stage each night feeling proud of myself, not indifferent about it all. But the question has become: how do I do that?
9/21 – Saturday night, performance 3
Wow, that felt great. I spent a lot of time reflecting yesterday in the hours before the show. I fully reread my script and listened to my favorite relaxing music. I arrived early to the dressing room with enough time to get myself physically ready for the show with extra time to scan my text and redetermine my targets, actions, and goals throughout the play. It’s not shocking that my objective changes every few pages, but I think that my super objective has become clearer to me now more than ever. When it was time to get on stage, I had a whole new set of tools to employ when having scripted and unscripted conversations with the characters around me. I found myself getting swept up in the story all over again, and the process of achieving my goals from beginning to end flowed together so well that the 90-minute show felt more like 10. Marc says that when you’re really in the moment, you start to almost feel out of control and that sometimes we can grow anxious about that feeling and pull back on the reins before the magic happens. Last night, I held on to the reins tightly but did my best not to tug away from any split-second impulses. I think I’m beginning to settle into this role, and what used to be the fear of making mistakes is morphing into something different. Every night before Martha and I walk on together, I’ve been very jittery and warm, but not uncertain or nervous. Anticipation, maybe? I dare not say excitement, because while of course, I am excited to share our work every night, that isn’t the exact feeling I have. It’s like waiting in line for a roller coaster: you’re not even sitting in the seat yet with your seatbelt on, but your stomach is doing flips and fighting butterflies and you’re smiling but you don’t know how to feel. I hope I’m doing this right. These journals, my performances, everything. I just want to make everyone as proud as I can. My professors, my family, my castmates and crew, and myself.
9/22 – Sunday afternoon, performance 4
Sunday matinee! My mom was in the audience today, and I like to believe her energy in the room gave me strength. Today felt great. I carried through with the same warm-up/getting-ready process as yesterday and focused on grounding myself by rereading my script and thinking about my objectives as they flow. I tried something new-ish today, totally unplanned. I started to find myself angry at Juror 3 about halfway through Act 2. Which was strange, since we had usually been interacting as allies until the very end when I changed my vote. But I was certainly frustrated with her! And against the judgment of my mind screaming “Do the safe thing!” I let my instincts take the lead. The dynamic between us, for me, was surprisingly thrilling. My objectives did not change, I still wanted to get the heck out of that room, but I was less influenced by Juror 3’s negativity altogether. As a result, I spent a longer time thinking about whether or not I was convinced enough to change my vote. I think this was a step in the right direction for me! Small changes in today’s specific show helped me make observations and form opinions I otherwise wouldn’t have. I think that a goal for myself could be to find a few moments in my script where I may have oversimplified my point of view and to delve deeper into how I got to that conclusion. I have a few days before our next string of shows, so I will use this time wisely to keep up with this goal and my general acquaintance with the story.
9/26 – Thursday night, performance 5
We’re back! Or are we? Tonight sure was a show. I reviewed my materials a TON before even stepping foot in the dressing room. It was important to me that my body didn’t fall into muscle memory patterns that would eradicate any possibility of new discoveries–and yet, I still wanted to be as re-familiarized with the text as I could be. When I stepped back on stage, immediately I could feel that everyone was settling back into the swing of things, and it took a little while to feel comfortable in the scene, saying my lines as casually as I typically would. Also, a HUGE fly was circling the stage that was bothering me no matter how hard I tried to ignore it! That seems like such a useless and insignificant comment, but I was trying so hard to imagine that the fly was a part of our world IN the play and not DURING the play. This sounds so stupid. Clearly, if I was trying to integrate a literal fly into our world, my mind wasn’t in the right spot as an actor. Damn. Eventually, I was able to lose sight and mind of it. One discovery that did emerge tonight, was some new emotions I had to choose to either suppress or play with; and that would be confusion and fear. Act 3 had Juror #7 a little shaky tonight! My radiant energy was trying to escape. So I let it. My hands were twitching so I picked up my pencil and fidgeted with it to release the urge. And my voice shook during a few lines–completely out of my control. I think this was a good thing. New impulses arose that did not throw me out of the moment, but helped me play the action of the scene more genuinely to my own body’s energy and impulses at the moment! I look forward to a strong final week of shows, and every discovery that emerges from their hiding places.
9/27 – Friday night, performance 6
Is this what it feels like to find yourself in your character, and realize why everything she does is the way it is? Because tonight was truly something. I was surprised by every move I made and when I made it, and my perspective on the crime was changing more than it ever had in the past. Other characters said or did things either differently than they usually do–or they struck me differently tonight–and dozens of new moments were born. Then why do I feel so upset with myself? I’m scared that the discoveries that were made tonight were so naturally born of emotions at the moment that I can’t really recall anything that I did as clearly as I usually can. I have so much work to do. But I have no idea what it is. Every time I think I’m growing or learning something new there is something about it that drags me back down and I find myself second-guessing everything. I left the theatre tonight feeling so proud. So happy, and smiling to myself thinking ‘This is my favorite run that we have done.’ And now, writing this journal, all I can do is question if it was real for anyone else and if I’m making my castmates and our director proud. Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing the right thing?! When do I stop asking myself that every time I act?
9/28 – Saturday afternoon, performances 7+8
Today’s first show was slow at first but led to one hell of a conclusion. I did not make any ground-breaking discoveries today, but I was forced to talk some sense into myself a few times in Act 1. For some reason, my mind was drifting away from the action every few seconds, and I couldn’t focus on the events happening right before my eyes! I was so scared that I was making stupid faces or that people could tell I wasn’t in the moment–and I did not know how to fix it. The best thing I could do was try to focus on every word being said around me, and try to recraft opinions in that very moment to focus on the play. And it worked. I told myself I had no idea which side of the deliberation I was on, and it was up to everyone to convince me whether the boy was guilty or not guilty! Soon enough, I found myself back in the action feeling things out as they flowed. SECOND SHOW! What a crowd, what a run. Tonight, it finally hit me how little time I have left with Juror #7, and suddenly, I felt like I hadn’t learned a thing just yet! But I know that tomorrow cannot be the place where I test a million things and make a million discoveries. This show is coming to an end, and I need to trust in my preparation more than ever to do myself and Juror #7 justice.
9/29 – Sunday afternoon, performance 9
Closing day. I am surprised by how proud I feel of this cast and myself. Today, before going on, Martha and I talked about how we feel like we JUST got started in these roles, and that we were finally on a roll! But, alas, this is the last time we will bring our Jurors to the stage, and from the moment we stepped on the stage, we were fully present and ready to enjoy every moment! Suddenly, I thought back to every show where the first act was slow and felt almost like a warm-up, but that was awful! It shouldn’t be that way–and until this final show–I didn’t realize what it felt like to be at my very best from the first moment to the end. I feel as though everything I want to say here about the accumulation of lessons I have taken away from this process would be better stated in my summative statement, so I will continue my deep thinking there.